The Importance of being Honest.

So, I'm cycling through a pretty bad depression right now.  It started in the Fall, and it's been hanging on a long while.  Hopefully, I'll start to be back up again soon, but with bipolar, you can never tell.  And depression is a hard fight, because so much of it is out of our control.

Depression (and mania) aren't 'moods'...they are states.  And there's a big difference there, one I wish was recognized more because calling 'depression' a MOOD disorder isn't technically correct.

Moods are temporary feelings of whatever emotion is there:  happiness, sadness, grieving, gloomy, cheerful, energetic, and the list goes on.  And we all experience a huge range of moods!  We have happy days and sad days, but those days don't last.  The SITUATION underlying the emotion (which causes the feelings that are 'saturated') doesn't last, because for the most part, that's what they are based on.  Getting a raise makes me feel happy.  Getting rejected makes me feel sad.  But, these moods pass as others take their place.  That's why people will say to those who are sad:  "Cheer up...this will pass."  And they are right!  It will pass.  Although I think saying "Cheer up" nullifies the person's emotional mood and makes it appear to be insignificant, I get what they are saying.

But states are different creatures.  They aren't place dependent.  People dependent.  Money dependent.  They are simply there.  And they are more than just the feeling that's being projected.  For example, people who might be sad for a while may not experience anything else but that sadness.  Whereas people who are depressed also have trouble sleeping, have changes in eating, are restlessness or lethargic, have slowed thinking and memory issues, experience trouble making decisions, entertain thoughts of self-harm or suicide, and the list goes on.

The causes of depression are different too.  A major life event can trigger depression in someone, but there are underlying issues at work as well that go along with that stressor:  According to Harvard Medical "Certain areas of the brain help regulate mood.  Researchers believe that, more important then levels of specific brain chemicals, nerve cell connections, nerve cell growth, and the functioning of nerve circuits have a major impact on depression".

So once again, like we see with so many mental illnesses, depression is in the brain.  Not in the situation.  That's why for depression, meds are needed to regulate this brain chemistry and function, as well as counseling in order to learn better ways to cope with what is happening.

Last night, I was feeling extra down, and put on Facebook that I was really struggling with depression.  So many people reached out to me, and just knowing there is so much support and care out there really helps.  It doesn't make me 'less depressed', but it does make me feel important and loved.  Anyone can use that anytime!

A couple years ago, I never would have posted anything like that because I was still trying to pretend my way through life, and hide the pain I often experience with bipolar.  But like I've said before, how can I expect to work against mental health stigma if I'm not genuine myself?  How hypocritical that would be!  When I was in Florida, I posted about how people on the beach were looking at the scars on my legs from when I cut myself.  Once again, if I can't put issues out there that are related to mental illness, what am I preaching 'lessen the stigma' for?

I bought this artwork, created by the Chariho Youth Task Force for their Mental Health Awareness Campaign.  Digital copies of this art can be purchased here for $5 and all proceeds go to mental health programs and information.

BUT, maybe there are people who think it's OK to talk about depression.  That's not 'ugly'.  However, how can you even mention that you've cut?  That's bloody and gross and scary.  Here's the thing though, cutting does go along with my illness.  It just does.  I hate that I've done it.  I hate my scars.  I hate how people look at me when I'm at a pool or my shorts ride up a bit.  Even more though, I hate having an illness that has made my brain so confused at times, that cutting is the only outlet given for any type of psychological relief.  I know how hard that is to understand.  I don't understand it.  But I know it's a demon to fight when it rears it's ugly head, and that at times, I've lost the battle.

This reminds me of my Human Sexuality class and what we were discussing the other day.  I was lecturing about development from pregnancy through birth, and when I got the part about what pregnant women often suffer, everyone was OK until I said the word "hemorrhoid!"  EVERYTHING  else was met with nods...but this??  Shouts of UGH and looks of horror!  WHY?  Because hemorrhoids are 'icky'...nothing we really want to think about!

There are a lot of things about mental illness that are 'icky' too.  But we need to hear it all.  The way it really is.  That's the only thing that will help people speak up and out about mental illness, and then get the support and help they need.

The mentally ill should not be living in a society where there is shame in having a disease/disorder/illness that's out of their control.  We have the control to get help for it (if it's available and affordable...2 BIG ifs), and learn better ways of coping with it.  But it's always there.  Always.  Just like diabetics can be medicated appropriately and watch their diet.  Even if the diabetes is controlled though, it's still there.  It's a lifelong disease.  It's not going to disappear.

The mentally ill don't have diseases that will just disappear either.  And, the mentally ill won't disappear, no matter how much we try to NOT talk about the issues that aren't easy to face.  Don't we all have the right for care, support, and understanding, regardless of where our disease or illness originates?  Don't we all have the right to talk about our illnesses?  Our struggles?  Without stigma or shame? I believe we do.  And I'm going to keep doing it until everyone can do the same.

Kristi xoxo

Can we start the conversation?

Ever notice how anxious some people get when the subject of mental illness comes up?  It's funny to me how people throw around words and say things like "She's so anorexic...eat something girl!"  Or, "God, how bi-polar!"  Or even, "Yea...people who have that are crazy!"  THEN, you tell them you have a mental illness.  And all of a sudden, things change!  "Oh...I didn't mean YOU!  I meant...you know...other people who are 'really' sick!"

Hmmmmmm...

So I have bi-polar.  Not self-diagnosed; really diagnosed...neurologist, psychiatrist, etc.!  And I say that because it's almost fashionable to have this now!  Someone feels good one day, and not so good the next, and suddenly BAM!  They think they are bi-polar.  Nope.  You're just experiencing the highs and lows of life.  And that's good!  You don't want this brain disease which is what it really is.  MRI's show differences between bipolar and normal brains, and take a look at this: 

"A new study shows that the blood of bipolar patients is toxic to brain cells and may affect the connectivity ability of neurons. ... Bipolar disorder (BD) is a severe and complex mental illness with a strong genetic component that affects 2% of the world population."  

Even when I was a little girl, I felt different.  Like there was a flaw people could readily see in me, even as young as kindergarten.  I didn’t really understand how to interact with my peers like I saw others do, and there was something inside of me I couldn’t explain but could feel.  Other kids could brush things off but I was always so emotional.  

In the 3^rd grade, I completed a story called “All About Me.”  There are a couple of tells I wrote, that in retrospect showed whispers of a mental illness.  One was the question:  What do you wonder?  While other kids wrote “Why the sky is blue” or “Why giraffes have spots”, I wrote: “I wonder why I’m alive.”  Another question asked what confused me, and I wrote “When 2 or 3 people are talking at once.”  There was just too much going on in my head for any voices to be heard.

High school was tough for me. There were so many things that would go through my mind, that at times I thought I was going crazy.  Like a blender full of fruit and ice, on full blast, but without a lid.  I was just all over the place.  To feel like I had some control over my life, I started dieting, and developed anorexia nervosa within months.  When my boyfriend broke up with me my junior year, I crashed my car into a tree because the emotions were too overwhelming for me to process.   

Decades later, after my 3^rd divorce (!), a few things happened.  I still loved my ex-husband and missed him terribly.  My mentor and friend from the community college where I teach passed, and I got involved in an abusive relationship.  At the same time, my nephew was killed on the USS McCain, a man started harassing,  threatening, and stalking me for which I was being blamed, and I had surgery for precancerous cells.  This was too much for me and I broke down.  

Before this, I never really 'believed' in nervous breakdowns.  Now I do.  I started cutting myself pretty badly.  I stopped eating.  Stopped showering.  Attempted suicide. Finally after working with doctors and counselors, I was  diagnosed with bi-polar and the "me" inside myself began to make sense.  The emotions, the roller coasters, the busy head, the bad decisions, the impulsivity, the confusion, the hyperactive behavior, the obsessive/compulsive behavior, the out of control spending, everything.  

Being diagnosed was such a freaking relief!  I knew I had something, and even though I am a Professor that teaches Psychology, I COULD NOT admit that something as serious as bi-polar was in me.  I didn't want it.  I tried to fight against it all my life, and because of that, I lost husbands, friends, and even family members at times.  How could anyone understand me, if I couldn't understand myself?  

So, am I all better now?  Ha!  Nope.  Not at all.  I'm in the process of changing meds and will be seeing a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.  My meds aren't as effective, but mood stabilizers have caused me suicidal ideation in the past.  We're not sure what to try.  Some meds that are out there now have such terrible side effects.  It's almost a process of weighing which is worse??  The depression or losing muscle coordination?  The mania, or having the compulsion to cut myself?  I know side effects are so different in people, but psychotropic meds truly are scary.  Hello!  They are working in your brain!

I see a counselor every week, and she asked me yesterday how I've been able to function all these years like I do.  I've been teaching for 25 years, and raised my son.  And here was my answer to her: "I've had too!"  I didn't have a choice!  I was the one that usually was a main support in my marriages, and there was never a question of me having to work.  And, I'm single now, and my future is dependent on only me.  My retirement that I have to keep working towards for a few more years.  

But here's the thing:  people don't see the struggle on the inside, when you are presenting what you need to do on the outside.  Simple as that.  There are days I force myself out of bed to face the day.  I collapse when I get home from school because I'm exhausted and I need to take my meds.  When I wake up from that nap, I usually feel terrible.  And it takes me a long while to get myself up again for the evening.

Working out helps with some of this...but can also feed (no pun intended!) into my eating disorder.  

SO...I created this space for all of us. And any of us.  We can talk about mental illness here with no judgement.  No stigma.  We can be ourselves.  We can take off any masks we wear and be genuine.  I'll always listen.  And I thank you for doing the same with me!  :)

Kristi xoxo