Alone or Lonely?

So...I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow for my spring break.  I'll be basking on the beaches and the ocean is my favorite place on earth!  It 'centers' me and I hope I'll be able to really relax and de-stress!

But, here's the thing.  This is my first trip ever traveling by myself, and I can't believe how many people have told me they have never vacationed alone.  I'm feeling all sorts of things right now.  I'm excited to have this opportunity and really do love the sub-tropical climate.  I can take the heat really well and love being outside and in the sun.

I have other feelings going on too, though.  Part of me is scared to get on that plane tomorrow.  I won't have anyone with me in case something happens with the flight...if I get turned around at O'Hare...if I get sick or sunburnt (!).  It's just going to be me dealing with anything that might come up.  It sounds silly, but sometimes having that back-up with you helps.

I'm also feeling sad that I'm traveling alone.  I'm not doing it by choice...I'm doing it because I have too!  I don't have a partner to vacation with anymore and I don't want to not travel when I have the opportunity.  I'm using this trip as a type of experiment.  If I feel really comfortable and have fun with this experience, it will open me up to traveling more!  I want that!  There are so many things I want to see here in the states...and I do want to see Europe someday as well. 

I think being lonely is the last feeling I'm dealing with.  To me, alone and lonely are 2 different states of being.  I feel like being alone is a choice...a chance to be with yourself and reconnect with that person.  I did so much of that last summer.  I distanced myself from my partner (at that time) and spent a lot of time alone.  I walked, hiked, sunned, did yard work, napped, read.  All of the things you can easily put off when you are with someone.  But, the consequence of that was losing my partner.  I gave him way too much distance while I was reconnecting and he just couldn't wait for me to get through what I needed too.

So now I feel lonely too.  I miss having him.  A partner.  Someone I can call and say "You aren't going to believe this!"  Someone I can text and say "Get your ass over here!!  That new movie is on Netflix!!"  I drive through town and there's very little I see that we didn't do.  Restaurants, activities, stores.  So many memories that make me tear up.  How much I want someone to hug.  To hold hands with.  To cuddle and snuggle with.  I'm a toucher.  A feeler.  Having that void in my life is hard.

Being alone.  Experiencing loneliness.  I guess it's all just parts of our life experience we have to deal with.  Get through.  Learn from.  Maybe even embrace.

Kristi xoxo

Too Much Pain :(

So, I'm watching "Rocketman" this morning and I just start crying.  You have this prodigy, who's talent is incredibly rare, but whose life was full of pain for decades.

I hate all the pain I see in people.  And I see it everyday.

I have students who hug on me, follow me, confide in me and I wonder where their family is.  Their friends.  How did they get to this point in their life without the comfort, love, and support they so desperately need?

Then, I talk about horrible things in my classes:  rape, child sexual abuse, domestic violence, bullying.  And I NEVER, EVER give any of these lectures without at least 5 students reaching out to me afterwards to tell me they'd be a victim of the topic.  EVER.

How many students do this?

I hear stories from students about being sexually abused by a family member when they were as young as 3.  Or raped as a high schooler, but not being able to tell anyone because they felt the shame was theirs.  Or students who grew up with violent parents, and who tried to shield their siblings from the worst of it.  Or women who left an abuser after years because they realized it was either that, or facing the possibility that their next beating could be their last.  Or guys who have told me they are gay, but had to put on this 'tough' persona in front of family and friends, because they knew if they didn't, they would be bullied and ostracized by those they cared for the most.

So many people out there are in pain.  So many have stories we can't imagine.  And here's the thing:  until we start really seeing people, and not shying away from actual connection; until we start asking the WHY behind behavior instead of just punishing it or judging it; until we ask people how they are and truly stop to listen;  until we look at a kid and see they need a hug instead of discipline;  until we drop our own masks and show that it's ok to not be ok, things are never going to change.

How is it we live in what's supposed to be this connected world, yet people are more lonely and disconnected than ever?  How can we let so many people suffer in silence?  And why can't we say the simple words of  "I care?"

Maybe this needs to be reversed.

Kristi xoxo