Alone or Lonely?

So...I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow for my spring break.  I'll be basking on the beaches and the ocean is my favorite place on earth!  It 'centers' me and I hope I'll be able to really relax and de-stress!

But, here's the thing.  This is my first trip ever traveling by myself, and I can't believe how many people have told me they have never vacationed alone.  I'm feeling all sorts of things right now.  I'm excited to have this opportunity and really do love the sub-tropical climate.  I can take the heat really well and love being outside and in the sun.

I have other feelings going on too, though.  Part of me is scared to get on that plane tomorrow.  I won't have anyone with me in case something happens with the flight...if I get turned around at O'Hare...if I get sick or sunburnt (!).  It's just going to be me dealing with anything that might come up.  It sounds silly, but sometimes having that back-up with you helps.

I'm also feeling sad that I'm traveling alone.  I'm not doing it by choice...I'm doing it because I have too!  I don't have a partner to vacation with anymore and I don't want to not travel when I have the opportunity.  I'm using this trip as a type of experiment.  If I feel really comfortable and have fun with this experience, it will open me up to traveling more!  I want that!  There are so many things I want to see here in the states...and I do want to see Europe someday as well. 

I think being lonely is the last feeling I'm dealing with.  To me, alone and lonely are 2 different states of being.  I feel like being alone is a choice...a chance to be with yourself and reconnect with that person.  I did so much of that last summer.  I distanced myself from my partner (at that time) and spent a lot of time alone.  I walked, hiked, sunned, did yard work, napped, read.  All of the things you can easily put off when you are with someone.  But, the consequence of that was losing my partner.  I gave him way too much distance while I was reconnecting and he just couldn't wait for me to get through what I needed too.

So now I feel lonely too.  I miss having him.  A partner.  Someone I can call and say "You aren't going to believe this!"  Someone I can text and say "Get your ass over here!!  That new movie is on Netflix!!"  I drive through town and there's very little I see that we didn't do.  Restaurants, activities, stores.  So many memories that make me tear up.  How much I want someone to hug.  To hold hands with.  To cuddle and snuggle with.  I'm a toucher.  A feeler.  Having that void in my life is hard.

Being alone.  Experiencing loneliness.  I guess it's all just parts of our life experience we have to deal with.  Get through.  Learn from.  Maybe even embrace.

Kristi xoxo