Friday, March 20, 2020
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
The Coronavirus and Mental Health.
So, we're in the midst of this pandemic and there is so much information on the virus itself and the importance of social distancing and staying at home to contain it's spread. Of course I think that any measures taken to reduce the spread of this are necessary, but I do worry that the mental health issues associated with this isolation, for everyone and not just the mentally ill, aren't being addressed as much as they maybe should be.
We are social creatures, aren't we? We need people and the groups around us (family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.) to provide needed benefits - most importantly, meeting our emotional and social needs. And since the isolation (both physical and emotional) and distancing we need to practice for at least the next couple of weeks is in place, I believe we are going to suffer mentally because of it.
Isolation and loneliness are 2 big concerns right now, particularly for the elderly and those who are already experiencing these issues. And, I do believe we will see even more of an influence of these now. You can be isolated and not lonely, and lonely and not isolated, but for many, these 2 things go hand in hand. Choosing to be alone, and enjoying that time, is much different than being forced into isolation! And people choose to be 'alone' among 'groups' often times anyway. Going to the store, getting to the library, working out at a gym. These might be done 'alone' or by yourself, but there are still people around who you can interact with to a degree. Home-bound isolation is a different thing. People can go from alone to lonely pretty quick in this circumstance. Take a look at this article published in 2019 on social isolation which states:
Families are also suffering. My mom lives by herself and has a very active social life. With so many fears of the virus regarding the elderly, mom and her friends have cancelled their weekly activities. I know this is going to affect her mood, and I worry she'll go out to a store or something, just to be around people which can put her at risk. As much as my sis and I tell her not too, she's very stubborn. Since I was in Florida for a week and flew out of Tampa which is a 'hotbed' of the virus, I don't want to be around her just in case I have the virus without showing signs yet. So, we are isolated from each other too.
My sister is worried about her grandchildren as well, and looks forward to seeing them often during the week. Missing out on that interaction is hard for all of them. Plus, one of my nephews has a serious condition which could require medical attention at any time. How scary that hospitals might be over-run and medical attention is delayed. Not being to be around our families is a great hardship for so many!
And then you add other factors into the mix: fear, anxiety, stress, confusion, helplessness, and powerlessness to name a few. We all, I think, are feeling these to some degree. As much as the news upsets me regarding all of what's happening right now, I don't want to stay away from it either since I need information to keep myself and family safe! It's a Catch 22! The news makes us more stressed and fearful, but the info provided is important!
Anytime you see stress increase, you see a greater likelihood of domestic violence and child abuse. Will this time increase the already huge numbers of victims of family violence? And, we know that high levels of stress can cause physical sickness (high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.). Furthermore, the stress isn't going to end after the isolation is lifted. Businesses are losing customers or closing down for a period of time, and economists are saying we'll suffer a strong recession which will continue this stress for an extended period of time. And, I know that stress over money is one of the BIGGEST stressors a couple faces in their relationship.
I really worry that for the mentally ill, these issues can exacerbate their conditions. Making anxiety disorders worsen, depression to deepen. Also, will counselors or behavioral health centers stop seeing clients? Will meds get filled on time? Will AA and NA meetings be able to continue? Then what about people who are schizophrenic and have paranoid delusions? Will this worsen their thinking with all of the conspiracy theories circling around right now?
Finally, I also wonder how our world, our own society, will be changed because of this time. Will we continue more isolating behaviors out of fear another virus could be around the corner? Will people start getting more and more of their needs met through non-contact ways such as social media? Will students, who have never taken online classes but are now forced to work online for at least a couple of weeks, find the classes to be more convenient and our on-campus students numbers decrease? Will people become disgusted with society because how some are behaving, and come to see society as a more dangerous place than they had perceived it before? The questions are endless.
So, what do I think we can do to lessen some of these effects? Here's my list:
There are so many questions we have...and not a lot of answers. But I do believe these issues are going to have a huge impact on everyone's mental health, and possibly worsen those already dealing with an mental illness. Let's all take care of ourselves and families the best we can, and reach out if we need help. Stay healthy and safe and if you have any other ideas to share, please comment below!
Kristi xoxo
We are social creatures, aren't we? We need people and the groups around us (family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.) to provide needed benefits - most importantly, meeting our emotional and social needs. And since the isolation (both physical and emotional) and distancing we need to practice for at least the next couple of weeks is in place, I believe we are going to suffer mentally because of it.
Isolation and loneliness are 2 big concerns right now, particularly for the elderly and those who are already experiencing these issues. And, I do believe we will see even more of an influence of these now. You can be isolated and not lonely, and lonely and not isolated, but for many, these 2 things go hand in hand. Choosing to be alone, and enjoying that time, is much different than being forced into isolation! And people choose to be 'alone' among 'groups' often times anyway. Going to the store, getting to the library, working out at a gym. These might be done 'alone' or by yourself, but there are still people around who you can interact with to a degree. Home-bound isolation is a different thing. People can go from alone to lonely pretty quick in this circumstance. Take a look at this article published in 2019 on social isolation which states:
There is..."evidence linking perceived social isolation with adverse health consequences including depression, poor sleep quality, impaired executive function, accelerated cognitive decline, poor cardiovascular function and impaired immunity at every stage of life." "In addition...(it was) found that social isolation increases the risk of premature death from every cause for every race...".
Obviously, this is for more long-term isolation, but the implications are clear. Isolation has a huge consequence on people and their health.
My sister is worried about her grandchildren as well, and looks forward to seeing them often during the week. Missing out on that interaction is hard for all of them. Plus, one of my nephews has a serious condition which could require medical attention at any time. How scary that hospitals might be over-run and medical attention is delayed. Not being to be around our families is a great hardship for so many!
And then you add other factors into the mix: fear, anxiety, stress, confusion, helplessness, and powerlessness to name a few. We all, I think, are feeling these to some degree. As much as the news upsets me regarding all of what's happening right now, I don't want to stay away from it either since I need information to keep myself and family safe! It's a Catch 22! The news makes us more stressed and fearful, but the info provided is important!
Anytime you see stress increase, you see a greater likelihood of domestic violence and child abuse. Will this time increase the already huge numbers of victims of family violence? And, we know that high levels of stress can cause physical sickness (high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.). Furthermore, the stress isn't going to end after the isolation is lifted. Businesses are losing customers or closing down for a period of time, and economists are saying we'll suffer a strong recession which will continue this stress for an extended period of time. And, I know that stress over money is one of the BIGGEST stressors a couple faces in their relationship.
I really worry that for the mentally ill, these issues can exacerbate their conditions. Making anxiety disorders worsen, depression to deepen. Also, will counselors or behavioral health centers stop seeing clients? Will meds get filled on time? Will AA and NA meetings be able to continue? Then what about people who are schizophrenic and have paranoid delusions? Will this worsen their thinking with all of the conspiracy theories circling around right now?
Finally, I also wonder how our world, our own society, will be changed because of this time. Will we continue more isolating behaviors out of fear another virus could be around the corner? Will people start getting more and more of their needs met through non-contact ways such as social media? Will students, who have never taken online classes but are now forced to work online for at least a couple of weeks, find the classes to be more convenient and our on-campus students numbers decrease? Will people become disgusted with society because how some are behaving, and come to see society as a more dangerous place than they had perceived it before? The questions are endless.
So, what do I think we can do to lessen some of these effects? Here's my list:
- Stay on a schedule. Get up at a regular time, have a daily plan with meals, work, etc. and structure your time accordingly.
- Get outside! Sidewalks, parks, hiking trails...none of these are closed and being outside, and especially around nature, can be comforting and uplifting.
- Do some cardio! Those of us with depression know that cardio actually increases the production of endorphins and neurotransmitters, and improves sleep too! All of this can help alleviate feelings of depression!
- Keep connected to family and friends. This is a great time to use social media for connection (but be careful, too much social media use can backfire...particularly with so many loud opinions being broadcast!). Also, instead of calls or texts, video chat for a more personal experience.
- Help others. Reach out to your older neighbors and let them know you are willing to run errands for them or get their refills picked up. Let them know you are around if they need something done!
- Tackle yard and house chores. I'm going to use some of my time to get my darn closets cleaned out and then get my yard all raked for spring. Things I have trouble finding time to do! Put these chores on your calendar to keep you on track!
- Take breaks from work. Working remotely, as some of us are doing, is very different than being in an office or around students. Make sure you take breaks from the computer often, and don't try to do 8 hours of work in 3 just to get done! Spacing out your time can help relieve the tediousness.
- Try a new hobby. You don't need to go to the store to get a pencil and paper...watch a youtube video on drawing and see what you can do! Or, if you have some supplies (paints, crayons, glue, yarn, fabric), learn to crochet or knit...watercolor...decoupage!
- Give yourself a break! This is important...being around kids, family, etc. in a close environment can be stressful, and taking a short walk, nap, or just a time-out might help with these situations.
- Keep your kids structured and engaged as well. There are so many places publishing free content for kids right now, and doing these activities together can be fun! Here's a great website to give you some activity ideas, and then a fun e-learning site with a ton of lessons. And, take a look at this:
Kristi xoxo
Monday, March 16, 2020
The Importance of being Honest.
So, I'm cycling through a pretty bad depression right now. It started in the Fall, and it's been hanging on a long while. Hopefully, I'll start to be back up again soon, but with bipolar, you can never tell. And depression is a hard fight, because so much of it is out of our control.
Depression (and mania) aren't 'moods'...they are states. And there's a big difference there, one I wish was recognized more because calling 'depression' a MOOD disorder isn't technically correct.
Moods are temporary feelings of whatever emotion is there: happiness, sadness, grieving, gloomy, cheerful, energetic, and the list goes on. And we all experience a huge range of moods! We have happy days and sad days, but those days don't last. The SITUATION underlying the emotion (which causes the feelings that are 'saturated') doesn't last, because for the most part, that's what they are based on. Getting a raise makes me feel happy. Getting rejected makes me feel sad. But, these moods pass as others take their place. That's why people will say to those who are sad: "Cheer up...this will pass." And they are right! It will pass. Although I think saying "Cheer up" nullifies the person's emotional mood and makes it appear to be insignificant, I get what they are saying.
But states are different creatures. They aren't place dependent. People dependent. Money dependent. They are simply there. And they are more than just the feeling that's being projected. For example, people who might be sad for a while may not experience anything else but that sadness. Whereas people who are depressed also have trouble sleeping, have changes in eating, are restlessness or lethargic, have slowed thinking and memory issues, experience trouble making decisions, entertain thoughts of self-harm or suicide, and the list goes on.
The causes of depression are different too. A major life event can trigger depression in someone, but there are underlying issues at work as well that go along with that stressor: According to Harvard Medical "Certain areas of the brain help regulate mood. Researchers believe that, more important then levels of specific brain chemicals, nerve cell connections, nerve cell growth, and the functioning of nerve circuits have a major impact on depression".
So once again, like we see with so many mental illnesses, depression is in the brain. Not in the situation. That's why for depression, meds are needed to regulate this brain chemistry and function, as well as counseling in order to learn better ways to cope with what is happening.
Last night, I was feeling extra down, and put on Facebook that I was really struggling with depression. So many people reached out to me, and just knowing there is so much support and care out there really helps. It doesn't make me 'less depressed', but it does make me feel important and loved. Anyone can use that anytime!
A couple years ago, I never would have posted anything like that because I was still trying to pretend my way through life, and hide the pain I often experience with bipolar. But like I've said before, how can I expect to work against mental health stigma if I'm not genuine myself? How hypocritical that would be! When I was in Florida, I posted about how people on the beach were looking at the scars on my legs from when I cut myself. Once again, if I can't put issues out there that are related to mental illness, what am I preaching 'lessen the stigma' for?
BUT, maybe there are people who think it's OK to talk about depression. That's not 'ugly'. However, how can you even mention that you've cut? That's bloody and gross and scary. Here's the thing though, cutting does go along with my illness. It just does. I hate that I've done it. I hate my scars. I hate how people look at me when I'm at a pool or my shorts ride up a bit. Even more though, I hate having an illness that has made my brain so confused at times, that cutting is the only outlet given for any type of psychological relief. I know how hard that is to understand. I don't understand it. But I know it's a demon to fight when it rears it's ugly head, and that at times, I've lost the battle.
This reminds me of my Human Sexuality class and what we were discussing the other day. I was lecturing about development from pregnancy through birth, and when I got the part about what pregnant women often suffer, everyone was OK until I said the word "hemorrhoid!" EVERYTHING else was met with nods...but this?? Shouts of UGH and looks of horror! WHY? Because hemorrhoids are 'icky'...nothing we really want to think about!
There are a lot of things about mental illness that are 'icky' too. But we need to hear it all. The way it really is. That's the only thing that will help people speak up and out about mental illness, and then get the support and help they need.
The mentally ill should not be living in a society where there is shame in having a disease/disorder/illness that's out of their control. We have the control to get help for it (if it's available and affordable...2 BIG ifs), and learn better ways of coping with it. But it's always there. Always. Just like diabetics can be medicated appropriately and watch their diet. Even if the diabetes is controlled though, it's still there. It's a lifelong disease. It's not going to disappear.
The mentally ill don't have diseases that will just disappear either. And, the mentally ill won't disappear, no matter how much we try to NOT talk about the issues that aren't easy to face. Don't we all have the right for care, support, and understanding, regardless of where our disease or illness originates? Don't we all have the right to talk about our illnesses? Our struggles? Without stigma or shame? I believe we do. And I'm going to keep doing it until everyone can do the same.
Kristi xoxo
Depression (and mania) aren't 'moods'...they are states. And there's a big difference there, one I wish was recognized more because calling 'depression' a MOOD disorder isn't technically correct.
Moods are temporary feelings of whatever emotion is there: happiness, sadness, grieving, gloomy, cheerful, energetic, and the list goes on. And we all experience a huge range of moods! We have happy days and sad days, but those days don't last. The SITUATION underlying the emotion (which causes the feelings that are 'saturated') doesn't last, because for the most part, that's what they are based on. Getting a raise makes me feel happy. Getting rejected makes me feel sad. But, these moods pass as others take their place. That's why people will say to those who are sad: "Cheer up...this will pass." And they are right! It will pass. Although I think saying "Cheer up" nullifies the person's emotional mood and makes it appear to be insignificant, I get what they are saying.
But states are different creatures. They aren't place dependent. People dependent. Money dependent. They are simply there. And they are more than just the feeling that's being projected. For example, people who might be sad for a while may not experience anything else but that sadness. Whereas people who are depressed also have trouble sleeping, have changes in eating, are restlessness or lethargic, have slowed thinking and memory issues, experience trouble making decisions, entertain thoughts of self-harm or suicide, and the list goes on.
The causes of depression are different too. A major life event can trigger depression in someone, but there are underlying issues at work as well that go along with that stressor: According to Harvard Medical "Certain areas of the brain help regulate mood. Researchers believe that, more important then levels of specific brain chemicals, nerve cell connections, nerve cell growth, and the functioning of nerve circuits have a major impact on depression".
Last night, I was feeling extra down, and put on Facebook that I was really struggling with depression. So many people reached out to me, and just knowing there is so much support and care out there really helps. It doesn't make me 'less depressed', but it does make me feel important and loved. Anyone can use that anytime!
A couple years ago, I never would have posted anything like that because I was still trying to pretend my way through life, and hide the pain I often experience with bipolar. But like I've said before, how can I expect to work against mental health stigma if I'm not genuine myself? How hypocritical that would be! When I was in Florida, I posted about how people on the beach were looking at the scars on my legs from when I cut myself. Once again, if I can't put issues out there that are related to mental illness, what am I preaching 'lessen the stigma' for?
 |
| I bought this artwork, created by the Chariho Youth Task Force for their Mental Health Awareness Campaign. Digital copies of this art can be purchased here for $5 and all proceeds go to mental health programs and information. |
This reminds me of my Human Sexuality class and what we were discussing the other day. I was lecturing about development from pregnancy through birth, and when I got the part about what pregnant women often suffer, everyone was OK until I said the word "hemorrhoid!" EVERYTHING else was met with nods...but this?? Shouts of UGH and looks of horror! WHY? Because hemorrhoids are 'icky'...nothing we really want to think about!
There are a lot of things about mental illness that are 'icky' too. But we need to hear it all. The way it really is. That's the only thing that will help people speak up and out about mental illness, and then get the support and help they need.
The mentally ill should not be living in a society where there is shame in having a disease/disorder/illness that's out of their control. We have the control to get help for it (if it's available and affordable...2 BIG ifs), and learn better ways of coping with it. But it's always there. Always. Just like diabetics can be medicated appropriately and watch their diet. Even if the diabetes is controlled though, it's still there. It's a lifelong disease. It's not going to disappear.
Kristi xoxo
Saturday, March 14, 2020
A Personal Buffet :)
So, how do we know what we want in a mate? It's almost an unconscious thing, isn't it? Like going to a buffet where we look over the food and say, "Oooooooo...yum!" or "Blech!", without even really thinking about it. Isn't that true about people as well? You can see someone and think, "Wow...OH YEAH!" or say, "Uh, no!" Either way, our choices are clear even if our reasoning behind them isn't.
At counseling the other day, A (my therapist) asked me what I wanted in someone since working on relationships is one of our goals. I didn't have an easy or fast answer for her. But I think it came to me last night.
In my Marriage and Family classes, we talk about mate selection and see that there are many theories out there to try to explain how this works. For example, Siggy talks about how we are more likely to choose a mate much like our opposite sexed parents (this was written in the Victorian era where heterosexual relationships were the only focus) in order to finally resolve the Oedipal and Electra complexes. This is what kids experience around the ages of 3-6 or so, where they really want to possess their same sexed parent, while rejecting the other. Obviously, this causes much family stress, and the kids start to emulate their same sexed parent so they can eventually, as adults, win a mate like the opposite sexed one. PHEW! Sounds crazy, right? BUT...I have to say this: research does show that we are more likely to marry someone more like our parents than not! (This scares my son to death!)
There's also the Ideal Mate Theory in which we create an image of what we want through early childhood experiences and then seek that person as an adult. Maybe that's why so many women want their prince to ride on their white horse and swoop them up! And, maybe that's also why when we meet the one we think is our mate, we say, "I think this is Mr. or Mrs. Right!"
Other theories exist too...like how we pick mates that complement what we need or lack. Or ones that have just enough similarities that we have an instant connection that brings us together.
But these theories don't take practical things into consideration, things I happen to think are pretty important. Like, how many kids does this person want? What's their political stance? Their criminal history? How many times have they been divorced? Is their extended family supportive? Do they drink excessively or use drugs? Do they follow your religion? And the list goes on.
However, here's another wrench with all of this: you would think by now I have a type, and that couldn't be further from the truth! All 4 of my mates (3 hubbies and 1 partner) couldn't have been anymore different from each other! Hubby 1 was a metrosexual, well dressed, higher class guy, while Hubby 2 was nerdy and a very hard worker. Hubby 3 was an Outlaw biker (literally) and my last partner was a younger veteran. What a variety; perhaps I should practice polygamy to get everything I want?? :)
So, when A talked to me about what I wanted, I knew it was more than what can be explained by the above, but I couldn't put into words what 'soul' (for lack of a better word) I was looking for. And then it hit me last night. Simply stated, I want a man who is just as willing as I am to work and fight for the love we have. That's it. Just one sentence. But a very powerful one to me.
See, I used to think I was clingy. And to a degree I might be. But maybe that isn't really what it is though, because I've always been financially independent and very capable of doing anything and everything that's needed around the house, yard, etc. I was the one my spouses would often turn too, instead of the other way around! I was the rock. The fixer. The one who built back up whatever had been broken.
But when I was broken. Or needed something fixed. Or needed a rock, that's when problems started. The help wasn't there. The understanding. The support. While I was willing to invest everything into the relationship, they were willing to only invest a bit. So, them pulling out of it didn't 'cost' them as much as it cost me.
Maybe it's because I'm "extra sensitive" (another wonderful trait of bipolar) that I simply can't understand this. How people can love you one day, and say the next that they don't. How you can spend years with someone, building them up, forgiving them for transgressions, supporting them through their pain, but when it's about you, they turn their back. And then, you're the one that's wrong. Wrong for reaching out. For trying. Why do some people think relationships are easy? And when there's an issue, just drop them, because fixing it might be work? Really? Having problems means there's no love? No foundation?
I don't think there's any relationship that requires more work than that of a parent and child. I remember when Oliver was a little guy...he'd wake me up in the middle of the night, and I'd have to force myself up on 2 hours of sleep after a 14 hour day. When he was around 4, Oliver, who had asthma, got pneumonia. And I did too. But, I had to ignore mine and hold Oliver upright 24 hours a day for 4 days straight, giving him breathing treatments every 2 hours which the poor guy fought. Just me, alone, because his dad had to work at his business. It got to the point where I was so tired, I was in a hazy fog that enveloped me. I didn't know if I could keep going but then he started to get better and I could nap. And all of this time, I kept thinking that if I didn't do this, he could literally drown in his sleep. Was that work? OMG, yes!! Did I begrudge him of it?? NO!! Because that's what parents do. Period.
Why can't that same commitment be made in terms of mates? Holding the person up. Allowing them to breathe with your help. Making sure they get through the next day? Giving all that you have, and a little more, to make things better.
I do that. To a fault actually. And I used to think it was wrong. But is it? Why is it wrong to be the one who won't let go of the rope when they still believe there's a danger of the other falling? Why is it bad to say, "I forgive you. Again. Because I love you. Still."? Someone once told me this was weak. Really? To me, it's freaking strong. Because like I did with Oliver, you have to dig down, find resources you don't know you have, and use them to make sure what you love is preserved. I guess I'm old fashioned, but I think maybe my way, instead of the way relationships are disposed of so easily in our society today, is actually the right one.
Once, when I was a teenager, I asked my Grandma what held her and Grandpa together. They were the ONLY couple in my family that had never been divorced and I needed to know why. After all, they were married just a short while before Grandpa served 3 years in the Navy during WWII. I'll never ever forget what my grandma said when I asked how they made it through all they did: "Because we're married." That's it. That was her answer. And when you think about it, what more needs to be said? They made a commitment. They honored it. They worked at it. They invested in it. Through everything. Period.
Maybe I get my ideas about relationships from her. And if so, I think that's a very good thing.
Kristi xoxo
At counseling the other day, A (my therapist) asked me what I wanted in someone since working on relationships is one of our goals. I didn't have an easy or fast answer for her. But I think it came to me last night.
In my Marriage and Family classes, we talk about mate selection and see that there are many theories out there to try to explain how this works. For example, Siggy talks about how we are more likely to choose a mate much like our opposite sexed parents (this was written in the Victorian era where heterosexual relationships were the only focus) in order to finally resolve the Oedipal and Electra complexes. This is what kids experience around the ages of 3-6 or so, where they really want to possess their same sexed parent, while rejecting the other. Obviously, this causes much family stress, and the kids start to emulate their same sexed parent so they can eventually, as adults, win a mate like the opposite sexed one. PHEW! Sounds crazy, right? BUT...I have to say this: research does show that we are more likely to marry someone more like our parents than not! (This scares my son to death!)
There's also the Ideal Mate Theory in which we create an image of what we want through early childhood experiences and then seek that person as an adult. Maybe that's why so many women want their prince to ride on their white horse and swoop them up! And, maybe that's also why when we meet the one we think is our mate, we say, "I think this is Mr. or Mrs. Right!"
But these theories don't take practical things into consideration, things I happen to think are pretty important. Like, how many kids does this person want? What's their political stance? Their criminal history? How many times have they been divorced? Is their extended family supportive? Do they drink excessively or use drugs? Do they follow your religion? And the list goes on.
However, here's another wrench with all of this: you would think by now I have a type, and that couldn't be further from the truth! All 4 of my mates (3 hubbies and 1 partner) couldn't have been anymore different from each other! Hubby 1 was a metrosexual, well dressed, higher class guy, while Hubby 2 was nerdy and a very hard worker. Hubby 3 was an Outlaw biker (literally) and my last partner was a younger veteran. What a variety; perhaps I should practice polygamy to get everything I want?? :)
So, when A talked to me about what I wanted, I knew it was more than what can be explained by the above, but I couldn't put into words what 'soul' (for lack of a better word) I was looking for. And then it hit me last night. Simply stated, I want a man who is just as willing as I am to work and fight for the love we have. That's it. Just one sentence. But a very powerful one to me.
See, I used to think I was clingy. And to a degree I might be. But maybe that isn't really what it is though, because I've always been financially independent and very capable of doing anything and everything that's needed around the house, yard, etc. I was the one my spouses would often turn too, instead of the other way around! I was the rock. The fixer. The one who built back up whatever had been broken.
But when I was broken. Or needed something fixed. Or needed a rock, that's when problems started. The help wasn't there. The understanding. The support. While I was willing to invest everything into the relationship, they were willing to only invest a bit. So, them pulling out of it didn't 'cost' them as much as it cost me.
Maybe it's because I'm "extra sensitive" (another wonderful trait of bipolar) that I simply can't understand this. How people can love you one day, and say the next that they don't. How you can spend years with someone, building them up, forgiving them for transgressions, supporting them through their pain, but when it's about you, they turn their back. And then, you're the one that's wrong. Wrong for reaching out. For trying. Why do some people think relationships are easy? And when there's an issue, just drop them, because fixing it might be work? Really? Having problems means there's no love? No foundation?
I don't think there's any relationship that requires more work than that of a parent and child. I remember when Oliver was a little guy...he'd wake me up in the middle of the night, and I'd have to force myself up on 2 hours of sleep after a 14 hour day. When he was around 4, Oliver, who had asthma, got pneumonia. And I did too. But, I had to ignore mine and hold Oliver upright 24 hours a day for 4 days straight, giving him breathing treatments every 2 hours which the poor guy fought. Just me, alone, because his dad had to work at his business. It got to the point where I was so tired, I was in a hazy fog that enveloped me. I didn't know if I could keep going but then he started to get better and I could nap. And all of this time, I kept thinking that if I didn't do this, he could literally drown in his sleep. Was that work? OMG, yes!! Did I begrudge him of it?? NO!! Because that's what parents do. Period.
 |
| My 'Little Guy" now! |
I do that. To a fault actually. And I used to think it was wrong. But is it? Why is it wrong to be the one who won't let go of the rope when they still believe there's a danger of the other falling? Why is it bad to say, "I forgive you. Again. Because I love you. Still."? Someone once told me this was weak. Really? To me, it's freaking strong. Because like I did with Oliver, you have to dig down, find resources you don't know you have, and use them to make sure what you love is preserved. I guess I'm old fashioned, but I think maybe my way, instead of the way relationships are disposed of so easily in our society today, is actually the right one.
Once, when I was a teenager, I asked my Grandma what held her and Grandpa together. They were the ONLY couple in my family that had never been divorced and I needed to know why. After all, they were married just a short while before Grandpa served 3 years in the Navy during WWII. I'll never ever forget what my grandma said when I asked how they made it through all they did: "Because we're married." That's it. That was her answer. And when you think about it, what more needs to be said? They made a commitment. They honored it. They worked at it. They invested in it. Through everything. Period.
Maybe I get my ideas about relationships from her. And if so, I think that's a very good thing.
Kristi xoxo
 |
| My Grandpa and Gramma!! |
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Breathing Lessons.
I absolutely adore Anne Tyler. She is my favorite author ever and if I could only read 1 author for the rest of my life, it would be her.
For some reason, 1 of her books really resounds with me and as I listened to the audio this last week over vacation (for the umpteenth time) I started making notes on my phone as I walked to it. I realized that so much of what I was hearing was 'me'; that it expressed things I maybe didn't see, or couldn't put into words.
In "Breathing Lessons" a man and his wife, Ira and Maggie, take a day trip to go to a funeral. As the day progresses, you get a glimpse into their lives and histories, and meet others along the way. The entire book takes place in a 10 hour period, and the insights that are revealed about this couples' lives are so impactful.
Maggie reminds me of myself. Awkward. Wanting to always please. Wanting to hold onto things that may need to be let go of. Worried about her looks. Not always confident in her worth.
One of the biggest struggles Maggie has is saying goodbye to her daughter who will be leaving for college the next day (her son already lives on his own), and wanting to reconnect with her 7 year old granddaughter who she hasn't seen for years. She wants to start over; be needed by a child again. Have the family she reveled in. Not hear the silence when she walks in her door. I feel for her. I know how difficult it can be to want to take steps backwards and not forwards. To be back in that time when Ollie was young and I was the most important thing on the earth to him. I remember subbing in his Kindergarten classroom, and he couldn't stop holding my hand throughout the afternoon and calling me "MOM" in a voice that told every other kid in there, that I was HIS mom and only their sub! There was another time when he went to a sleep-away church camp (at which I cussed when I found out he forgot his Bible, then cussed again after I cussed...it was obvious the leaders felt Ollie really needed them, growing up with a mom like me!) to spend 4 nights. This seemed like forever to me but like every mom, decided that having those days to myself would be heaven. I got a call the morning after his first night...it was Ollie telling me he threw up and I needed to get him. I raced to the camp with a bucket in tow, and he was really quiet during our drive home. I plopped him in bed and told him I'd fix some Jello and check on him while he was napping. About an hour later, he came into the kitchen, with tears streaming down his face. He said "Mom...I LIED TO YOU!!! I wasn't sick!!! I just wanted to be with you!!!" I laughed and said he never had to lie about wanting to be home! And we went to the pool and had a great day!
Ollie lives with me now after being on his own for 6 years, and we have fun together, but he's not my boy anymore. He's his own person with so many centers in his world now. And that's the way it should be! Of course! But like Maggie, I wish I could rewind and do it all over again, and savor those moments even more. Why does growing up happen so fast?
In another part of the book, Maggie is trying desperately to get her son and his ex-wife back together so she can be with her grandchild. The problem is, their relationship was horrible from the start, although Maggie can't seem to accept that. Or even see it. Her son was just too immature and self-centered to be a good husband, and her daughter-in-law was too demanding and childish. One of my favorite quotes from the book is Ira talking about Maggie to their son:
For some reason, 1 of her books really resounds with me and as I listened to the audio this last week over vacation (for the umpteenth time) I started making notes on my phone as I walked to it. I realized that so much of what I was hearing was 'me'; that it expressed things I maybe didn't see, or couldn't put into words.
In "Breathing Lessons" a man and his wife, Ira and Maggie, take a day trip to go to a funeral. As the day progresses, you get a glimpse into their lives and histories, and meet others along the way. The entire book takes place in a 10 hour period, and the insights that are revealed about this couples' lives are so impactful.
Maggie reminds me of myself. Awkward. Wanting to always please. Wanting to hold onto things that may need to be let go of. Worried about her looks. Not always confident in her worth.
One of the biggest struggles Maggie has is saying goodbye to her daughter who will be leaving for college the next day (her son already lives on his own), and wanting to reconnect with her 7 year old granddaughter who she hasn't seen for years. She wants to start over; be needed by a child again. Have the family she reveled in. Not hear the silence when she walks in her door. I feel for her. I know how difficult it can be to want to take steps backwards and not forwards. To be back in that time when Ollie was young and I was the most important thing on the earth to him. I remember subbing in his Kindergarten classroom, and he couldn't stop holding my hand throughout the afternoon and calling me "MOM" in a voice that told every other kid in there, that I was HIS mom and only their sub! There was another time when he went to a sleep-away church camp (at which I cussed when I found out he forgot his Bible, then cussed again after I cussed...it was obvious the leaders felt Ollie really needed them, growing up with a mom like me!) to spend 4 nights. This seemed like forever to me but like every mom, decided that having those days to myself would be heaven. I got a call the morning after his first night...it was Ollie telling me he threw up and I needed to get him. I raced to the camp with a bucket in tow, and he was really quiet during our drive home. I plopped him in bed and told him I'd fix some Jello and check on him while he was napping. About an hour later, he came into the kitchen, with tears streaming down his face. He said "Mom...I LIED TO YOU!!! I wasn't sick!!! I just wanted to be with you!!!" I laughed and said he never had to lie about wanting to be home! And we went to the pool and had a great day!
Ollie lives with me now after being on his own for 6 years, and we have fun together, but he's not my boy anymore. He's his own person with so many centers in his world now. And that's the way it should be! Of course! But like Maggie, I wish I could rewind and do it all over again, and savor those moments even more. Why does growing up happen so fast?
In another part of the book, Maggie is trying desperately to get her son and his ex-wife back together so she can be with her grandchild. The problem is, their relationship was horrible from the start, although Maggie can't seem to accept that. Or even see it. Her son was just too immature and self-centered to be a good husband, and her daughter-in-law was too demanding and childish. One of my favorite quotes from the book is Ira talking about Maggie to their son:
"She believes it's all right to alter peoples lives. She thinks the people she loves are better than they really are, and so then she starts changing things around to suit her view of them". ~ Anne Tyler
I had to listen, and then finally read, that quote so many times because it resonated in me. Is that what I do? Particularly in relationships? I'm thinking yes.
I had my weekly counseling appointment today and I love my counselor. She is someone I really click with and I'm surprised by how much I'm able to share and how vulnerable I allow myself to be with her. We were talking about my last relationship, and I told her I was still reaching out to him because I wanted to save him. From himself. He's the one with PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) who really hurt me so many times during our 3 years together. He told me how he had given up on things; how he is just going to be alone and miserable for the rest of his life. And I tell him how wasteful that would be. You see, he's living DOWN to his diagnosis of BPD, as if having this is a death sentence. A slow death sentence. I told him how a diagnosis needs to be used for understanding, and how you learn to recognize what the disorder or a mental illness is doing, and find constructive ways to cope. It's not a death sentence. The diagnosis should be a map.
My counselor asked me why I had such a need to show this to him, particularly since he really doesn't listen to what I'm saying. I told her because I felt guilty. Ashamed. Like I didn't do enough to help him during our years together. Didn't have the right words to say. Wasn't enough for him to want to work on his issues. Like I was to blame for when he lashed out, because I was the one that triggered it. She looked at me and said this: "But Kristi, he has Borderline. That's what they do when they don't get help or try to learn how to cope. That's who they allow themselves to become."
I don't know what it was, but I felt a relief after those words were spoken. A weight dropped. It wasn't my fault that he kept abandoning me. That he put his hands on me. That he cheated on me. That he told me he left this last time because of what I said. It was the disorder. The fucking disorder. I tried for so long to not see him as having these issues...I wanted him to always be the great guy who put me on a pedestal and made me feel I was the center of his world. But I wasn't. As much as I want to rearrange things and make them right...good...to suit how I want them to be...who I want him to be, I can't. And he didn't do these things out of maliciousness. Or because of something I did. It was because of an un-diagnosed disorder. I still want to help him . But NOT out of guilt now. But out of compassion and love. My counselor said the words I guess I needed to hear about a lot of things: "It's not your fault."
This is my favorite scene in Good Will Hunting.
I think a lot of us need to hear the words: "It's Not Your Fault".
And I think Robin Williams does it better than anyone.
And I realized something else. I don't need to be the center of someone's life to be important. Needed. Worthy. I'm a center already. My center. My Florida trip showed me this. That I can be enough for me. That I can have a life with me. I don't need to rearrange people to make them something they aren't just to have them. I don't need to pretend they, or me, are something we're not.
It was a pretty cool thing to discover all of this. That I'm not always to blame for things. That I can't make people take my help unless they want too. That I don't have to be driven by guilt anymore. That I can make mistakes and I'm still a pretty OK person. That I don't have to have everyone's acceptance. That I can give myself the validation I need. That I don't need to take steps backwards; because moving forward is journey enough.
I'd say, all in all, that Florida was really good for me.
Even despite being burnt. ;)
Kristi xoxo
Monday, March 9, 2020
Hello Florida!
So, I'm in Florida, a little over half-way through my 'me'cation, and have had a lot of ups and couple of downs! I found the Clearwater Beach Library and just needed to write. I try to journal, but I'm very undisciplined at it. Having this blog makes me write for some reason, and I like it!
I had a bit of a panic/stress attack when I got to the hotel on Friday afternoon. I called my son and my mom and said I wanted to come home the next day and cried to them. But, after sleeping like a log in my hotel (more about that in a bit), I felt much better!
The hotel isn't QUITE what I expected when I book with Expedia. And, that is a major understatement! I think the last update it had was 1970 or so, and the carpet, walls and bedding show it! My pillows (they gave me 6...I guess I'm supposed to stack them) feel like someone took a pillow case, shoved a handful of toilet paper in it, and called it a day! I killed a few bugs, and their friends have now taken up residence. From what I understand, that's pretty normal in Florida, but I'm not crazy about crawlies when I'm trying to sleep! :/
On Saturday, I walked the beach early in the morning, and found a sand dollar!! I've never found a whole one before! There are tons of shells, and the beach is fantastic...talcum like sand with amazing views!
I've watched the sunset on the beach every night I've been here. It's so beautiful and a really big thing here! After it goes down, everyone cheers! BUT, watching EVERY single person on the beach take pics with their partners, while I'm slogging on alone, is a little tough! It's very romantic. For them!
The food around here is great, and Pier 60 has live entertainment and tons of cool things to do. You can walk around all day and not get tired of all that you see!
Yesterday, I went to the Scientology Spiritual Headquarters in Clearwater. I tottered a few miles there over a huge bridge, and it was a bit of a trek but worth it! I wasn't allowed in that particular building, but ventured to the Scientology Information Center and saw a bunch of videos, displays, and reading material and had a great conversation with the Scientologist manning the front desk. She was very sweet, but her answers seemed extremely programmed. Also, there are a lot of Scientologists walking around and to be honest, it looks a bit creepy! Everyone wears a white shirt, dark blue pants or skirt, and a blazer. No one smiled or talked to me, UNLESS I did so first.
I teach a lot about Scientology in my Sociology classes, and I've read so much about their abuses and how families are destroyed when 1 leaves and becomes an apostate. It's so sad that something that COULD have been really helpful to people is used so abusively against them. Money taken, physical abuses, mental manipulations. There are too many ex-Scientologists out there for me NOT to believe them. I also don't know why they call themselves a church. In the videos, you hear the word 'spiritual' a lot, but never the word God. Hmmmmm. I was also surprised by how compelling the info center videos are and how someone could be persuaded to join! They make it sound like 'going clear' will literally give you new life and remove every bad memory you've ever created so your brain can start fresh with only good in it. For someone struggling, this is a powerful message!
I got a copy of L.Ron Hubbard's Way to Happiness (which you can read here), where he outlined 21 precepts (rules...I had to look this up!) that we should all live by. I pretty much agree with most of them (and in the parantheses I wonder if the Scientology org really does it):
I had a bit of a panic/stress attack when I got to the hotel on Friday afternoon. I called my son and my mom and said I wanted to come home the next day and cried to them. But, after sleeping like a log in my hotel (more about that in a bit), I felt much better!
The hotel isn't QUITE what I expected when I book with Expedia. And, that is a major understatement! I think the last update it had was 1970 or so, and the carpet, walls and bedding show it! My pillows (they gave me 6...I guess I'm supposed to stack them) feel like someone took a pillow case, shoved a handful of toilet paper in it, and called it a day! I killed a few bugs, and their friends have now taken up residence. From what I understand, that's pretty normal in Florida, but I'm not crazy about crawlies when I'm trying to sleep! :/
 |
| Yeesh!! |
 |
| I've been sorting through a ton of shells trying to find a sharks tooth. I'm just going to buy a damn one down the street and call it a day! :) |
I've watched the sunset on the beach every night I've been here. It's so beautiful and a really big thing here! After it goes down, everyone cheers! BUT, watching EVERY single person on the beach take pics with their partners, while I'm slogging on alone, is a little tough! It's very romantic. For them!
The food around here is great, and Pier 60 has live entertainment and tons of cool things to do. You can walk around all day and not get tired of all that you see!
 |
| Entrance to Pier 60 Park! |
 |
| Grouper Tacos! :) |
 |
| The building is HUGE! |
 |
| This is the information center...I was the only one there for the hour I stayed. |
I got a copy of L.Ron Hubbard's Way to Happiness (which you can read here), where he outlined 21 precepts (rules...I had to look this up!) that we should all live by. I pretty much agree with most of them (and in the parantheses I wonder if the Scientology org really does it):
- Take care of yourself
- Be temperate
- Don't be promiscuous
- Love and help children (but you separate families if one leaves...they aren't allowed to have contact again!)
- Honor and help your parents (see above!)
- Set a good example (Hmmmmm...)
- See to live with the truth (another Hmmmmm is necessary here)
- Do not murder
- Don't do anything illegal (think they have....)
- Support a government designed and run for all the people
- Do not harm a person of good will (but you can if you believe they are of bad will
- Safeguard and improve your environment
- Do not steal (but you 'swindle' people out of their money all of the time!!!!)
- Be worthy of trust (Hmmm...)
- Fulfill your obligations
- Be industrious
- Be competent
- Respect the religious beliefs of others (so if someone leaves you...it's ok??)
- Try not to do things to others that you would not like them to do to you (so you would like to be stalked, threatened, and harassed yourself?)
- Try to treat others as you would want them to treat you (see above!)
- Flourish and prosper
So, the info sounds good on the surface, and makes sense. But really, L. Ron took Freudian principles along with his weird ideas in terms of science fiction, and put them together to create this 'religion' he could be the king of. L. Ron...why didn't you use your apparent talent for writing and philosophizing for GOOD???
Today isn't going so great. I traipsed to the Clearwater Aquarium which is all about rescue, rehabilitation and release. It was really cool...I saw sharks, sea turtles, otters, dolphins, sting rays etc. But I'm having a down day...my depression is bothering me and it's hard not to share all of this with someone. There were so many times I wanted to turn to someone and say something about what I was seeing but I couldn't. Doing everyday stuff alone isn't bad...doing fun vacation things alone can be.
 |
| These 2 sweeties are Winter and Hope...the stars of Dolphin Tale! I got to see them fairly close up but not like this! |
So anyhoot, just wanted to write a bit and am going to get to the hotel, kill my new bugs, get ready for the beach, and enjoy the water for a couple of hours. Just relax. That sounds pretty good to me.
 |
| No tan yet! Sigh... :) |
Kristi xoxo
Thursday, March 5, 2020
Alone or Lonely?
So...I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow for my spring break. I'll be basking on the beaches and the ocean is my favorite place on earth! It 'centers' me and I hope I'll be able to really relax and de-stress!
But, here's the thing. This is my first trip ever traveling by myself, and I can't believe how many people have told me they have never vacationed alone. I'm feeling all sorts of things right now. I'm excited to have this opportunity and really do love the sub-tropical climate. I can take the heat really well and love being outside and in the sun.
I have other feelings going on too, though. Part of me is scared to get on that plane tomorrow. I won't have anyone with me in case something happens with the flight...if I get turned around at O'Hare...if I get sick or sunburnt (!). It's just going to be me dealing with anything that might come up. It sounds silly, but sometimes having that back-up with you helps.
I'm also feeling sad that I'm traveling alone. I'm not doing it by choice...I'm doing it because I have too! I don't have a partner to vacation with anymore and I don't want to not travel when I have the opportunity. I'm using this trip as a type of experiment. If I feel really comfortable and have fun with this experience, it will open me up to traveling more! I want that! There are so many things I want to see here in the states...and I do want to see Europe someday as well.
I think being lonely is the last feeling I'm dealing with. To me, alone and lonely are 2 different states of being. I feel like being alone is a choice...a chance to be with yourself and reconnect with that person. I did so much of that last summer. I distanced myself from my partner (at that time) and spent a lot of time alone. I walked, hiked, sunned, did yard work, napped, read. All of the things you can easily put off when you are with someone. But, the consequence of that was losing my partner. I gave him way too much distance while I was reconnecting and he just couldn't wait for me to get through what I needed too.
So now I feel lonely too. I miss having him. A partner. Someone I can call and say "You aren't going to believe this!" Someone I can text and say "Get your ass over here!! That new movie is on Netflix!!" I drive through town and there's very little I see that we didn't do. Restaurants, activities, stores. So many memories that make me tear up. How much I want someone to hug. To hold hands with. To cuddle and snuggle with. I'm a toucher. A feeler. Having that void in my life is hard.
Being alone. Experiencing loneliness. I guess it's all just parts of our life experience we have to deal with. Get through. Learn from. Maybe even embrace.
Kristi xoxo
But, here's the thing. This is my first trip ever traveling by myself, and I can't believe how many people have told me they have never vacationed alone. I'm feeling all sorts of things right now. I'm excited to have this opportunity and really do love the sub-tropical climate. I can take the heat really well and love being outside and in the sun.
I have other feelings going on too, though. Part of me is scared to get on that plane tomorrow. I won't have anyone with me in case something happens with the flight...if I get turned around at O'Hare...if I get sick or sunburnt (!). It's just going to be me dealing with anything that might come up. It sounds silly, but sometimes having that back-up with you helps.
I'm also feeling sad that I'm traveling alone. I'm not doing it by choice...I'm doing it because I have too! I don't have a partner to vacation with anymore and I don't want to not travel when I have the opportunity. I'm using this trip as a type of experiment. If I feel really comfortable and have fun with this experience, it will open me up to traveling more! I want that! There are so many things I want to see here in the states...and I do want to see Europe someday as well.
I think being lonely is the last feeling I'm dealing with. To me, alone and lonely are 2 different states of being. I feel like being alone is a choice...a chance to be with yourself and reconnect with that person. I did so much of that last summer. I distanced myself from my partner (at that time) and spent a lot of time alone. I walked, hiked, sunned, did yard work, napped, read. All of the things you can easily put off when you are with someone. But, the consequence of that was losing my partner. I gave him way too much distance while I was reconnecting and he just couldn't wait for me to get through what I needed too.
So now I feel lonely too. I miss having him. A partner. Someone I can call and say "You aren't going to believe this!" Someone I can text and say "Get your ass over here!! That new movie is on Netflix!!" I drive through town and there's very little I see that we didn't do. Restaurants, activities, stores. So many memories that make me tear up. How much I want someone to hug. To hold hands with. To cuddle and snuggle with. I'm a toucher. A feeler. Having that void in my life is hard.
Being alone. Experiencing loneliness. I guess it's all just parts of our life experience we have to deal with. Get through. Learn from. Maybe even embrace.
Kristi xoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)